Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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