Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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