just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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