worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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