When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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