The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
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the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
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You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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