You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
