Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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