if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
