She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Randomize
