I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
