he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
