I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
