I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji