yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?