It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work