you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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