I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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