she woke up with a sticky ear
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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