dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
