I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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