I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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