he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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