i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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