Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize