Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
