I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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