not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
