I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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