I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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