Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
