Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize