Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
