I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
