Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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