Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
