the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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