you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
