I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
