I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
