non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
