My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
