Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
