Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
