i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
