my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
What a dumb baby whore.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
