he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
