Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
