Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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