i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
