My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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