sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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