1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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