Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
