If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
