i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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