Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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