people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
